3rd November 2020…

Since 3rd November 2020, the day I got admitted to a psychiatric hospital an awful lot has gone on, first off I’ve lost people I was closest to, which does hit me hard but, then again I’ve met some of the most amazing people, some of which I can call my friends.

I’ve seen so much since being in hospital and experienced a hell of a lot for a 23-year-old but, do you know what? Although I’ve not received the right treatment for my BDD yet, It’s made me a hell of a lot stronger, stronger than I ever knew I could be. Yes, there’s times I don’t think I can carry on and I feel like I don’t deserve to be in this world looking like I do but, somehow I still manage to wake up every morning.

I know I have a lot of support at home and around the country and I’m forever grateful for each and every one of them. So, I’ve come to a decision, now I’m a completely different person, I would like to reconnect with people who have been in my life or even connect with others that want to be in my life. I don’t care if it’s just someone who needs to talk, I’ll listen, someone who needs advice, I’ll try my best to give it but, most of all people who need support, I will support them. I know what it’s like to feel alone and isolated. I still feel that way now sometimes but, I also know that having someone to listen is important and I’m always prepared to do that no matter who you are! 🫶🏻

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I’ve posted everything else on here about my progress and how positive things have been lately but, I hardly share the negatives so I might as well be open, honest and real with you all.

So, I went one month and 23 days incident free, which is the longest I think I’ve ever done. I actually felt pretty good. But, yesterday after a few low days things went downhill and… I messed up big time. The BDD thoughts of how I feel about myself got the best of me and led me to try and take my own life. I’m so disappointed in myself that I messed up and a little bit disappointed because I failed… Again. But, I’ll still wake up every morning and start all over again. However, I’m bedroom bound, by choice because I don’t want other patients seeing me in the state I’m in and having to explain what happened 😭.

Where I’m at…

I have an upcoming assessment that could change my life. I’ve waited over 2 years for the CBT therapy I need and want for my BDD and just hearing the news made me feel a little bit of hope. Maybe things can change, maybe I won’t feel disgusting and want to self-harm to punish myself for it every day. Maybe I could actually have a life. Every morning I wake up and although the feelings of disgust are strong I’ve gone 7 weeks without self-harming and it’s becoming the longest I’ve ever gone. I’m learning to talk more about when I’m feeling low and writing it down helps too.

I don’t want to get my hopes up though because my commissioner tried to turn this positive into a negative situation and that felt really disheartening like he’s meant to want what’s best for me and for me to get the right help I need. But, I’ll guess we’ll find out in the upcoming days/weeks/months. it’s my future on the line here. I’ve already gone so long without the right help, I’ve had so many self-harm incidents and suicide attempts because of the way I feel about myself but, somehow I still wake up every day. which some days isn’t a good thing.

Psychiatric hospital… With BDD

No one talks about the realism of being in a psychiatric hospital. Never mind the realism of having BDD in a psychiatric hospital. Whether it be an acute ward, PICU, rehab or forensic. No matter what your diagnosis is, the shit you see and go through really changes you as a person.

For me personally, I’ve been through so much in the 2 years I’ve been in hospital. I’ve seen and heard some pretty horrible stuff and although I try not to let it affect me, and I never thought I’d say it but, it has changed the person I used to be for the better.

I mean, I’ve gone through getting manhandled by consultants, seeing patients die, verbal sexual abuse from men on a mixed PICU, countless square-ups with other patients, numerous restraints leading to IMs, getting swilled with juice and coffee from other patients, getting plates thrown at me and seeing other patients self-harm. Then there’s being moved from pillar to post, I’ve been to about 8 different wards in 2 years already and all of which, have been the wrong places for me. However, I’ve just learnt to carry on and just try to have faith in the system. I’ve just got to be pretty chilled about it all. Yes, I may get upset and cry a lot but that’s the best way to deal with things I think.

Being in the mental health system has been a pretty bad experience for me and I’ve still got a hell of a way to go but I’m slowly losing trust in the system.
Being in hospital is the toughest thing to have been through in my whole life.

However, I’m currently doing the best I have ever done and I’m hoping to carry on so I can finally get the help I need and the help I’m ready for, for my BDD. So, I’ve just got to focus on that now!

Defined by BDD?

So, today my psychiatrist asked me who I am besides Malise who has body dysmorphia and what do I want from life. I couldn’t answer her because quite frankly I don’t really know.

My life has been and is controlled by how I see myself. Like I’ve missed out on so much in life over the last 7 years due to it. Still to this day, I’m constantly avoiding everything that once were things I enjoyed doing, all because of how I look.

For example, in 2015 I stopped going out completely, which meant not seeing family and friends because I felt, and still do feel disgusting and like they shouldn’t have to see the repulsive mess I am. I’ve always felt anxious about anyone I know seeing me because I worry they will see me how I see myself.

I’ve never had a relationship either and the reason I’ve missed out on having any relationships is because of the sheer disgust I feel daily. I also fear that no man will ever be able to love me when I look how I do. Plus, how is anyone meant to love me when I don’t even love myself?

I’ve also missed out on working properly, yes I used to help my Mum at home and I enjoyed every minute of it but, I still wasn’t leaving the house properly so it could never have been a permanent job for me.

Now I’m in hospital and have been since November 2020 and I still feel like my life is pretty pointless. Sometimes I do have visions of what my ‘ideal’ life would be like. However, it all seems stupid because as long as I look and feel how I do, none of it will ever happen. I am working on it but, it just seems very unrealistic. Especially when I’ve been struggling for so long.

I do perhaps maybe let my body dysmorphia define me and yes I don’t really know who I’m meant to be besides ‘Malise who has body dysmorphia’. I also don’t know what I want from life but, what I do know is that I’ve been through and seen so much since being in hospital and I’ve just taken it all in my stride and I do think it’s helped shape me into the person I am today!

Malise xx

An update…

So, after only being here (Maidstone) for 2 weeks and being in hospital for nearly a year and a half, I’ve finally got my first ever UNESCORTED overnight leave in a couple of weeks, with my Mum and Dad as I’ve got an appointment. I’m extremely anxious because at my last appointment, before my hospital admission I was very unwell and just awful to my Mum and Dad. However, I’m in a better frame of mind now and I’m genuinely doing a lot better. Getting a taste of what a ‘normal’ life is, is definitely going to be overwhelming but, you know what? I think I’m ready for it!

Malise xx

Body dysmorphia…

I still struggle daily to get people to understand my body dysmorphia and there’s a constant battle to get me the right treatment at the minute. With some Professionals trying to push my body dysmorphia aside and diagnose me with something they’re used to dealing with. I do appreciate the professional opinions and I’m not disregarding them in any way however, I feel I need to get this out there once more.

I was diagnosed with body dysmorphia over a year ago. For as long as I remember I’ve always hated something about myself, but I always thought every girl felt the same until it became worryingly obsessive to the point it kept me socially isolated for 5 years.

Body dysmorphia for me means feeling low about myself. Constantly looking in the mirror and crying at the disgusting ugly mess I see staring back at me. I hate everything about my face, I constantly feel like I have to punish myself for looking how I do, self-harming and hurting myself in any and every way possible. Which is why I was sectioned in the first place. I’ve been in hospital since November 3rd 2020, spending 3 weeks in general hospital over Christmas 2020 but, for the last 10 months, I’ve been in a psychiatric intensive care unit away from home, in Darlington.

I’m in the process of getting to where I need to be, I’ve had so many assessments for new hospitals but unfortunately, a lot of them don’t offer the right treatment for my diagnosis. I feel like I’m ready to get the help I need and I’m ready to move on now, for the better.

Malise xx

What now…

Hi everyone,

I know I haven’t posted for a while, I’ve been pretty busy having assessments for moving on from Chester ward. It’s been very stressful and I still don’t know when or where I’ll be going from here… That makes things 10x worst for me!

I appreciate the professional opinions and I’m not in any way disregarding them. However, I feel I need to say how I feel.

So, I’ve been diagnosed with body dysmorphia and I feel like I need CBT therapy to help me with my thoughts about myself. But, then I’m being told it’s eupd I have as well and that I need DBT treatment before any BDD places will accept me.

I never know what to believe and I’m feeling quite hopeless really, I’m just so unhappy in myself, especially with how my face/skin looks and things don’t seem to be getting any better.

In fact, my body dysmorphia is getting worse. Constantly reassurance-seeking multiple times a day then there’s the looking through every reflective surface there are like mirrors, through windows, through cars and even through cutlery and it’s just getting out of hand. If I look through all the reflective surfaces and see how many things are wrong with my face then I instantly feel low and like I have to punish myself for looking disgusting. So, that’s when the self-harming comes into place.

I’m still currently on the PICU and have been for nearly 10 months now. I’m hoping I know more soon because this not knowing malarkey is making my mental health worse…

Malise xx

Relapse…

Hiya everyone, unfortunately the last two weeks I’ve kind of relapsed…

I went nearly two months without having any incidents. But, that all changed when I woke up and looked through the mirror and I could see I had spots. Instantly my heart sank. I felt I had to punish myself for the horrible, disgusting mess that I am! This is going to sound like nothing major to everyone else but to me, it’s my life. I have to live with the continuous thoughts racing through my head that ‘im a disgusting ugly mess, ‘I deserve to be punished’ ‘im vile’ and no one should have to see me like it. It’s honestly so exhausting.

I feel pretty low at the minute and basically couldn’t care less what happens to me. I don’t want to be here anymore. I just want to die and put an end to it all. The only reason I’m still here is purely because of my family and the restrictive environment I’m currently in and have been for just over 9 months.

I think the main reason for feeling like I do now is because I have been extremely stressed over last few weeks. I’ve been having loads of assessments for rehab wards and then I’ve got an upcoming tribunal as well. Which my Mum and Dad put in for. I’m scared of what’s going to happen and where I’m eventually going to be moving but there’s not much I can do about it than be honest.

Malise xx

What now?

*Potential trigger warning

What now? Well, that is a question on everyone’s mind, let alone just mine.

I’ve been incident-free for almost 2 months now. I’ve been fully off my observations for about a month. I know everyone thinks I’m doing well and I am but, this doesn’t mean I’m not struggling or wanting to hurt myself because I am, every single day. It’s just not resulting in the same self-harming behaviours as before.

I feel like hurting/punishing myself every day because of how I see myself. I am missing the release and damage I got from cutting and I haven’t done it in 8 months… It’s only because I’ve not had access to the items I could use. Yes, I have used other ways to hurt myself over the last 8 months but, none of them have even come remotely close to having the same effect as what cutting did.

I’ve not been self-harming in any way over the last month or 2. During that time the thoughts I’ve been having are not just to hurt myself, it’s now thoughts of ending my life because I feel like that’s what I deserve, for how repulsive and disgusting I am. I constantly can’t get to sleep at night because of the racing thoughts to hurt myself and end my life.

I know this is why I’m in hospital but, I don’t seem to be getting anywhere. I’m not a PICU patient anymore but, if I was to get access to certain items I would use them. So, being on this PICU is just really keeping me safe. I’m still not receiving any therapy yet so, my main diagnosis of body dysmorphia is pretty much the same and at the minute, I don’t feel like this will ever change!

So, that brings me back to the question, what now?

The answer is, I don’t know nor does anyone else… The not knowing is making me even more anxious but, there’s nothing more I can do!

Malise xx