Cutting contact…

Dear Mum, Dad and Mace

With much thought I have made a decision to cut contact with you all for a month. Please don’t take it to heart, I’m purely doing it just to see how I cope. I’m not doing it with intent to hurt you’s at all. I’ve cried and cried the last couple of days because I do love you all dearly and if anything bad was to happen because of my decision, I know I would never forgive myself. I love all 3 of you so much but, being in the setting I am when I see you it feels strange and like I don’t know any of you anymore. I know you’ll never give up fighting to get me to the body dysmorphia specialist unit, where I need to be and I can’t thank you enough for that alone never mind everything else you do for me.

Malise xx

My final post…

I look in the mirror and all I see is ugliness staring back at me. Bad skin, bad teeth and just one big disgusting ugly mess. I deserve to be punished for existing like this. So, I’ll always carry on self-harming in any way shape or form that I can. I’m just tired, fed up and I feel like I’m getting nowhere in life.

To my Mum, Dad and Brother and all the people closest to me. I’ve been trying so hard for you all, you’re all the reason I’m still living but, It’s killing me feeling so low every single day. I know I never say it but I love you all so god damn much.

I go to bed every night wishing I wouldn’t wake up, but I do. I know I should be grateful for life as some people don’t have the choice to live. I would 100% swap places with them people without even thinking twice if I could!

I never know what to say to anyone. I’m hurting inside, every day is a battle. Unfortunately, I don’t think it’s one I can face anymore…

So, with being in the frame of mind I’m in now this will be my last post… for the foreseeable.

Malise xx

LIVING with Body dysmorphia part 2.

Hey everyone,

imagine waking up looking in a mirror and despising everything you see…

well, welcome to my life. Every day I wake up, look in the mirror and immediately want to hurt myself as a punishment for the disgustingly ugly thing I see staring back at me.

I make sure to wash my face, brush my teeth and do my hair religiously because there the only things that seem to make me feel like I look acceptable enough to leave the house, and be seen by others. If I don’t do any of them things I literally can’t function properly and will refuse to leave my room.

I’m constantly worrying about everything to do with my face, like what food I eat, what skincare I use, how much water I drink etc… it is consuming a big part of my life. It’s got to a point where I don’t see any future for myself either because I feel no one will ever want me as long as I look the way I do.

I find it hard to explain to people why I feel the way I do as I don’t want to come across as being vain and an attention seeker, so I normally don’t say anything. either that or just hide behind a ‘smile’ and say ‘I’m fine’.

Malise xx

This is me… Inside my head with Body dysmorphia!

I wake up in a not so comfy bed to two members of staff sat either side of me. I then prioritise doing my skincare routine and brushing my teeth, before anything! But, as soon as I look in the mirror, I despise everything I see looking back at me. It then sets me off for the day. I instantly feel low, I feel anxious, I feel disgusting and I feel the need to punish myself. I feel that the people around me and those who care about me shouldn’t have to see my disgusting ugly mess of a face.

I constantly see graphic images in my head of ways to hurt myself, and I’m really struggling to fight against the negative thoughts I have on a daily basis. “No one should have to see the state of me”, “I don’t deserve to be alive”, “no one will ever want me”, “how is anyone meant to love me if I don’t love myself”, “I need to carve the word disgusting into my body”.

I literally go to sleep wishing I wouldn’t wake up the next day, and the bad thing about it is, I feel guilty for thinking that because there’s people who care about me, and the thought of not having me in their lives would destroy them. There’s also so many people in the world who don’t have the choice of living and I would most definitely swap places with them If I could!

I never know what to say when people ask how I feel because I think my problems are stupid, and I feel people don’t always understand. I fear that everyone will see me as being vain and attention seeking. So, i just keep everything bottled up until I can’t deal with it anymore and it gets too much.

How am I meant to see any future when I feel the way I do EVERY DAY…

Malise xx

Chester Ward

After a horrible experience at my previous hospital, the moment I arrived at Chester ward, in my pajamas covered in blood, wet hair and no shoes, I was greeted in such a friendly and genuine manner by the staff on shift.

3 months later and after a lot of up and downs (mainly downs), numerous restraints, IMS, and medication, with staffs never-ending support, I’ve managed to have 4 days incident free. 4 full days without hurting myself. I know it won’t always be the case as everyone has blips and down days, which I am still having but, I’ve got to remember that it’s normal to have the odd bad day.

Staff have been absolutely amazing with me especially the last few days, they’ve helped fight and get through any urges I’m having. I’ve broke down numerous time’s because it is so hard and I get mad at myself when i’m struggling because I hate disappointing people. I know i shouldn’t feel like that and as the staff say, I should give myself more credit as i’ve gone from having 13 incidents a day to just 1 or 2. But, I don’t because I put too much pressure on myself most of the time.

I have just got to find a way of dealing with the strong thoughts and urges when they arise.

I am trying…

Malise xx

THIS IS ME…

*Possible trigger warning.

Hi everyone, I’m about to be 100% honest with you all. So, here goes…

My names Malise and I’m a severe self-harmer. I suffer from Body dysmorphia, ocd, anxiety, depression and recently eupd.

From October, I started cutting myself to a point where I was covered neck down to my ankles, front and back. It was and still is, a form of self-punishment for looking disgusting. It’s also a distraction from the thoughts of actually ending my life.

I can’t describe how I feel about it because I don’t think people fully understand my body dysmorphia.

For those who don’t know, Body dysmorphia is where you have a strong belief that you have a defect in your appearance that makes you ugly and you spend a lot of time worrying about ‘flaws’ in your appearance, which others don’t see.

I get asked frequently when people see my scars ”if you’re bothered about your face and how you look, why are you cutting the skin on your body” I always never know what to say, do I cry? Do I try and explain myself? Or do I stay quiet?

It’s horrible because in my head all I see is my face being a horrible, disgusting, ugly mess. So, then I punish my body for how I see and believe my face looks, even when others say they don’t see anything wrong with it.

yes, I’m covered in scars and yes I think if I was to have access to something that could cause a great deal of harm to me I would use it, there’s no doubt about it. But, I haven’t so unfortunately I can’t.

I mean, I’m not saying I haven’t tried other ways to harm myself because I most definitely have. But, regarding the cutting, I haven’t done it for nearly 11 weeks. I’m not going to lie it’s been the hardest thing not being able to do the damage I want to do to myself. As I’m still really struggling with the intense urges and graphic images in my head of how I want to hurt myself 24/7.

I don’t know if they’ll ever go and I don’t know if I’ll ever get better…

Malise xx

To my Mum, Dad and Brother…

I’m sorry for putting you all through everything I’ve been going through. I’m also sorry for pushing you all away when I probably need you the most. I just feel like I’ve got to deal with everything on my own. I love you all dearly and I appreciate your constant support. However, I think because it’s been so long when you do come to visit I feel so detached from you all and like nothings the same anymore.

I am struggling massively and in all honesty, I don’t know how much I can take. I just feel stuck and like I’m getting worse and worse as the days go on. I promise I don’t mean to be so cold-hearted. I didn’t want you to get used to seeing me all the time when anything could happen. Especially with how I’m feeling on a day to day basis. The only reason I continue to struggle is because of you 3. I know you’re fighting to get me the help I need and I know you will do all it takes to help me get better.

In my head, I just always think that constantly hurting myself in various ways is better for you all because at least I’m still alive (unfortunately).

All my love,

Malise xx

Nothing but the truth!

Hi everyone, after posting my last post, I felt like I missed a few details out about how i’m actually feeling.

So, I’m struggling every single day. I wake up, look in the mirror and see a disgusting ugly mess staring back at me.

I’m constantly trying to find ways to punish myself for it. Being in a high restrictive Psychiatric Intensive Care Unit means it’s more difficult. But, I get so frustrated with feeling the same way about myself all the time, I’m literally stuck in a self-destructive mode.

It’s emotionally draining, I’m tired, and I’m constantly trying to harm myself. Repeatedly hitting any wall in sight as that seems to be one of the only ways I can cause damage to myself while being here. But, the staff are having to intervene by restraining me as they have a duty of care to keep me safe. My natural reaction is to get out of the holds so, I wriggle and make things hard for myself and the staff but, I never intentionally try to hurt anyone. Only myself! If staff do get hurt, I feel so guilty and feel like I need to be punished.

My appearance is the biggest trigger for me. I feel worthless, depressed and suicidal because of how I look and feel about myself. If anyone was to make even a harmless comment regarding my image I wouldn’t be able to deal with it. I always fall straight back into the impulsive and self-destructive behaviours. It’s the same with feeling guilty as that’s another big trigger also.

When people give me reassurance and compliments, I never believe them. I never know what to say because I feel like i’m not being genuine if I say thank you when I don’t see it myself. But, what else am I meant to say?

I’m fed up, and I just don’t care what happens to me anymore. I’d like to say the only thing keeping me alive is my family but, I’m ashamed to say that in reality it’s the staff in Darlington on the PICU that are…

I’m not living, I’m just surviving! I don’t know if things are going to get any better, and I don’t know if anyone will be able to change the way I see myself or if I’ll even be able to see myself differently. However, as long as i’m in hostpital I’ve got to keep going and, it’s so bloody hard and I’m really really struggling but, unfortunately I haven’t got a choice.

Malise xx

The whole truth!

Hey everyone…

I know it’s been quite a while since I last posted. But, after giving it much thought and having the support around me, I feel like this is the right time for me to be completely open and honest with myself and others.

From September, after taking an overdose, I had to see the crisis team for a few weeks, up until I had my first CBT session.

Shortly after, my mental health continued to decline. I started excessively self-harming. So, I was assessed and placed on a section 2 and admitted to hospital.

I was then put on an acute ward and diagnosed with Body Dysmorphia, OCD, Anxiety and Depression. Which is where I stayed for around 6 weeks. During my time there, I started medication which initially made me a whole lot worse. So, I ended up getting assessed by many people, who then came to a decision to put me on a section 3.

I then was admitted to general hospital, due to restricting my food and fluids. My ketone balance was majorly affected aswell as my bms. This was a form of self-punishment towards myself as I constantly see myself as being a disgusting, ugly mess and that I need to be punished for it.

I spent three weeks in general hospital over Christmas and the new year. On the second night being there, I was manhandled by the consultant and told I needed an NG tube because I had an ‘illness’ that could potentially kill me.

An hour or so later, the NG tube was fitted. During my time there I had around 3 of the NG tubes fitted, due to the plasters coming away whilst washing my face.

I then was placed onto 24 hour watch by the nurses in the hospital as they thought I was purposely pulling them out. As well as that, I had a member of staff from the mental health hospital with me 24/7.

Spending christmas and new year in the general hospital was not the most enjoyable experience for me and my family. Especially because I also started having pseudo seizures, which I still have to this day, but not as bad.

My mental health deteriorated pretty bad while being in general hostpital. It got to the point where I pulled my IV and NG tube out so, the next day I returned to the mental health acute ward in January for 3 day’s and was then quickly moved to a PICU unit due to increased risks. It was deemed that I would be kept safe better in a more restricted environment. I was in there for 8/11 days and was then admitted back to the acute ward due to the PICU not seeing any immediate risks during my time there.

After returning to the acute ward I remained there for 6 weeks.However, risks reoccurred and they were unmanageable. Therefore, I returned to the PICU. I spent around another 10 days there but, I got moved to a new acute ward, as the staff didn’t think I belonged on a PICU.

I found being on a new acute ward very unsettling at first as it was a new place with new people. But, I settled in okay I think. Well, with the health cares anyway. I was put on 1 to 1 and shortly after my mental health hit yet again, another low. My self-harm was getting pretty extreme and the hospital couldn’t manage my risks anymore because no matter how much they took away from me, to keep me safe I always found a way to hurt myself and it was just out of control.

So, they literally told me a day before that I had no choice and i was going to a high risk PICU in Darlington. Well, the shock and worry was a massive trigger for me. My self-harm habits got out of control so I ended up on a 2 to 1 that night before I had to go. The next day 3 ex police transport personnels came to get me mid-way drying my hair and in pyjamas.

This was very unsettling for me as I always have to look presentable In order to feel relatively okay about myself but, I wasn’t even allowed to do that. So, I fought against going. Long story short I ended up getting restrained and handcuffed and put into a van. But, shortly after getting in the van I had the staff joking and laughing with me and they were lovely.

I’m still in Darlington on the PICU. It’s been alright over the last 8 weeks, I’m just struggling really bad with not being able to self-harm and not being allowed certain things due to the restrictiveness. I’ve been on observations since the day I came, which I struggled with at first. Especially now I’m on level 4, arms reach 2 to 1. However, the people here genuinely care, and I completely understand that they are just trying to keep me safe by trying their absolute best with me.

The disorder I have is quite rare, and not well known. So, some of the staff don’t really understand it a whole lot but, they’ve gone out their way to do their own research by watching documentaries and taking the time to talk to me about it. Which means a lot to me, as I struggle really bad with explaining how feel to people. I just always say I’m doing ‘alright’. I don’t know how long I’ll be here for because I’m still deemed as being a high risk to myself. I still really don’t have the will to live at all. My family are all that I live for, and they’re the only thing keeping me going. That and any way I can find to self-harm. (which is pretty much impossible). I do it as a form of self-punishment for looking disgusting and also as a distraction, from thoughts of actually ending my life.

The only good thing really, I guess I can say is that I haven’t cut in 8 weeks, and yes I have been struggling with not doing it, and yes If I have the chance I more than likely will. In all honesty, I have been finding new ways of self-harming by smashing my fist against every wall I come in contact with (that’s what got me put in a level 4, 2 to 1) However, as of now I’m taking each day as it comes and trying my best to reach out and talk to people when I get the urges. I don’t know where my journeys going but, I’m hoping I just might end up at a Body Dysmorphia specialist unit where I can get the proper help I need.

Malise xx

Update from Malise’s Mum…

Hi everyone, this is Malise’s Mum, and I am writing this on behalf of Malise as her mental health has taken a very unexpected and scary turn for the worse.

Malise is finding it extremely difficult to function properly and is even finding the simplest everyday tasks very distressing.

I do not know when, or if Malise will be able to write a post for her blog again as just the thought of her doing so at the moment causes her so much emotional stress, which she definitely does not need. However, I do hope, and so does Malise, that she will be able to continue doing so in the near future, when she is feeling better.

Malise wants you all to know that she is sorry that she has not felt comfortable enough to reach out to any of you. She has also been worrying that you all might think that she does not care, or that she is being ignorant, which is obviously not the case.

I feel I have had to write this in order to help Malise with her road to recovery. She is really struggling but is now in the process of getting the help she needs, for which I am very proud of her.

I completely understand that those of you who genuinely care about Malise, may want to try and reach out to her to show your love and support, which to be honest is not a bad idea, as she is feeling very alone at the minute and like no one cares. However, although she may read your messages, please do not expect her to reply as she will not be able to do so as it gets too distressing for her.

Thank you