The truth…

Hey everyone, I am back and truth be told I have been dreading publishing this post for the whole world to see as it’s such a sensitive topic for me to write about. The thought of opening up and intentionally subjecting myself to vulnerability really does scare the living daylights out of me, but it’s something I need to do, both for myself and everyone who cares about me.

So, the truth is, although it’s very hard to admit, I have been struggling…

When I started my blog and wrote my first pieces ‘A change for the better’ and ‘Look at me now’ I felt like I was doing okay and I actually thought for a second that my life was finally looking up, which is why I decided to focus on what I thought was a positive outcome of a horrible situation. Who was I kidding, I was clearly in denial because the negative problems I was facing were so much worse than I made out, and they were in fact getting in the way of my day to day life, but I was finding it very hard to admit.

I have been fighting with what seems to be a losing battle when it comes to my low self-esteem, it started when I was under an extreme amount of stress but hit an all time low not long after when the stress decided to take it out on my skin and ‘ruin’ my complexion, instantly feeling like every little bit of confidence I ever had, had been shattered into a million pieces… leaving me feeling terribly insecure. I developed a very negative self-image that quickly lead me to sink into a deep depression. I started isolating myself from everything and everyone, I stopped taking care of myself, I avoided any form of social interaction, most days I wouldn’t even leave my room, and I would frequently breakdown and refuse to leave the house.

In the beginning, when it all started, I actually remember thinking that once I removed myself from the stressful situation and sorted my skin out, I would be well on my way to feeling better about myself. If I’m being 100% honest with you all, it hasn’t really mattered how stress free my life is or how much clearer my skin is because I still don’t feel any better. I think seeing myself in a negative light for such a long period of time has now really distorted my self-image as I am at a point where I have become extremely self-critical. I find myself constantly worrying about ‘flaws’ in my appearance, which apparently to others are so minor or none existent, and it’s causing me so much emotional distress, but I just can’t seem to break out of the vicious cycle.

Not feeling good enough mentally, physically and emotionally really has negatively affected all aspects of my life. I mean, I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin on a daily basis that I barely leave the house. I have isolated myself to the point of my Mum, Dad and Brother being the only people I really see, as they’re the only people I actually feel comfortable around. I don’t know exactly what it is, but I just feel so anxious at the thought of anyone who knew me before all this seeing me now. I don’t know if it’s because I’m afraid they will all end up seeing me how I see myself or if it’s because I’m ashamed.

I have never really had any ‘official’ diagnosis because I find it so difficult to physically talk about how I am feeling and also because I have had trouble admitting to myself that I’m struggling, never mind anyone else. However, when I did go to the Doctors in 2015 (when it all first started), my Mum had to literally explain everything that was going on with me because I would sit there barely saying two words, acting like I was ‘totally fine’. Safe to say the Doctor saw right through me and referred me to CAMHS (Child Adolescent Mental Health Services). The lady who I saw was lovely, but sadly it didn’t really help at all because I just wouldn’t allow myself to open up. Then, a year passed, and I was still feeling exactly the same if not worse, so my Mum took me back to the Doctors, and they suggested that I have CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) to try to change the negative thoughts I was feeling towards myself. I assumed that it was just another talking therapy and after my previous experience with CAMHS, it didn’t leave me with much hope, I just thought that it wouldn’t help and that I would only be wasting everyone’s time, so I never went ahead with it.

I do think that maybe if I accepted the CBT as suggested, I might not have been in the situation I’m in now…

Thank god I have got the three most supportive people in my life, my Mum, Dad and Brother. They really have seen the good, the bad and the ugly and still continue to stand by me every single step of way!

Malise xx

Family…

Hey everyone, so… Family?

Family to me is the people in your life that actually want you in theirs, the people in your life that support you in the things you choose to do, the people in your life who love you, respect you, and who you can depend on and most importantly it’s the people in your life who are always there no matter what!

I personally can count my close family on one hand, and I can probably even count the rest of my family on two but do you know what, I think the quantity of people you have in your life is completely irrelevant when the qualities of the few people that you do have are second to none.

My Mum is a pretty good example to be honest. In 22 years, she has got married to my Dad, bought a house, had two kids and started her own business (in which she is the best at). The only family members who chose to stand by her through it all, supporting her every single step of the way other than my Dad, were her two Nanna’s. Mind you, having her two Nanna’s in her life really did make up for the rest of the family as they truly are one of a kind especially because they have also played a huge part in my life, and I am so fortunate to be able to call them my Nanna’s too.

I do not have my Nanna Violet in my life anymore as she sadly passed away 7 years ago and I have not seen my other Nanna in over 4 years, due to a few personal issues I have had going on (don’t worry I am planning to do a post about this very soon). It will still never change the fact that they were the only two people besides my Mum and Dad of course, who actually went above and beyond to ensure me and my Brother had the very best start in life. I remember my Mum telling me that it was my Nanna Violet who always said “I am giving them what the others haven’t” if this isn’t a prime example of quality over quantity, I don’t know what is…

Me, my Mum, my Dad and my Brother are all really close as a family, and I do think part of the reason why we are so close is because my Mum and Dad have been happily married for 20 years and the love they share only continues to grow stronger, making us as a family even stronger. I mean, I could have a thousand ‘family members’ suddenly decide to try and walk into my life but not one of them would come even remotely close to my Mum and Dad, they have been everything I need and more and I really don’t know what I would do without them.

I have other family members, who I have not actually seen for as long as I can remember, make the effort to stay in contact and despite not seeing them for such a long period of time they still manage to reach out in other ways to show their love and support and for that, I am more than grateful.

I am 19, not far off 20 years old, and I am more than content with the family I have around me. I know that if people really want to be in your life, they will make an effort to do so, and if they don’t, it’s their loss, it is as simple as that!

Malise xx

Mother’s Day

Hey everyone, with it being Mother’s Day today I thought I would do a post, solely for the most important people to me on this day!

So, most importantly Happy Mother’s Day to my Mum, or my twin as she likes to say… I am so grateful for all that you do, I couldn’t ask for anyone better to; shop for, style, borrow clothes off and occasionally wind up. You continue to show your love and support always and I can’t thank you enough! Lots of love always.❤️

Also, Happy Mother’s Day to both of my Nanna’s, Joyce and Violet, who did nothing but spoil me when I was younger… I have had so many good memories with them and they were there all throughout my life growing up, no matter what, even when I dyed their hair multi-colours when they came to babysit!❤️

Malise xx

18…

Hey everyone… it’s been a while but I’m back with a quick post!

I turned 18 last week (5th October) which was definitely a huge milestone for me, more in the sense that I’m blessed to have actually got through everything that has been thrown at me and made it this far! I can say I honestly wasn’t really that excited for my birthday, as I’m not really in the place in my life that I wanted to be in right now but like always, I ended up having a fab time…

Thanks to my Mum, Dad and Brother of course, it’s safe to say I was truly spoilt, which I’m beyond grateful for. Even though I didn’t ask for anything, they always manage to pull it out the bag and make it a good one, even if I did get woken up far to early. I came downstairs to an overly decorated house, presents, cards, chocolate cake and of course… my Mum singing Happy Birthday and to top it all off we ended the day with a huge takeaway!

I’d like to say a BIG thank you to my family and friends for the amazing cards and presents and most of all, for the effort that was made to make it a special day for me! Also, thank you to everyone else, who actually took the time to wish me a Happy Birthday too!

Malise xx

Instagram-@malise_honey


 

Proving ‘them’ wrong!

Hey guys, there is no greater pleasure in life than proving the people that doubted you wrong…

When receiving so much doubt from the teachers at school… I always got told ‘you can’t do this’ and ‘you can’t do that’, ‘you will never be able to’… and so on! I really questioned myself after that, I thought that maybe they were right, what’s the point, I’m never going to become who I want to be…

How wrong was I? After overcoming everything I had been through, I was so determined to prove to everyone that has looked down on me and doubted me, wrong. I always loved writing in primary school, it was only when I faced the problems in high school, that I lost my love for it!

I was certain that it was journalism that I wanted to do and I wasn’t letting anything stand in my way this time! That’s when I plucked up the courage to enrol in an online feature writing course… I’m not going to lie, I was afraid of failing just in case it made me lose my way… again. I already knew so much from my constant research, I didn’t want to throw all the hard work I put in away. As the days went by I was learning so much more, I had literally read all the information I needed to know, in a week. All that was left was the assessment…

A 96% pass and a diploma later, I was actually so shocked! I was a step closer to achieving my goal. It was such a big life lesson for me, I can… I will… watch me!

“The ones that say ‘you can’t’ and ‘you won’t’ are probably the ones scared that ‘you will”.

Malise xx


 

‘Look at me now’

Hey! I’ve got a fair few of you wondering, from my first piece, exactly what, why and how, made me want to ‘change for the better’ so that’s exactly what I’m going to openly and honestly share with you all!

I’m going to start with where it all spiralled from, so imagine being targeted… by your ‘teachers’ (I know shocker right?) but it’s the truth! Everything they did wrong got turned on to me and because I said what I thought about the situation, they came down on me like a ton of bricks. It wasn’t every teacher because there were the odd few that I could actually trust. I’m not saying I didn’t make any mistakes because I did, but I took full responsibility for them! No matter how much my Mum and Dad went into school, nothing ever changed…

Well, actually it did for the worst! Right from getting put into isolation for being wrongly accused to also having to have my bag checked because a so called teacher ‘misinterpreted’ something I said. On top of that I found out that pupils had been looking at my personal school file while being under a teacher’s supervision! (Who is now funnily enough the head of safeguarding!). I remember some of my friends saying to me “you little sh*t” after seeing me with the headteacher. I would always let them assume because it was so much easier than having to explain and risk getting punished for making the school ‘look bad’. No one knew the half of it!

The final straw was basically getting put on ‘twilight hours’, there was no actual explanation why, apart from ‘everything you have done in the past’. I’ve personally always seen it as once you’ve taken full responsibility and accepted the punishment for your actions that’s the end of it and it’s done with! However, they were pretty convinced that I was not allowed back into full time education until I completed the hours. After a week of phone calls and requesting meetings but still getting nowhere, I decided, right I will give these hours a go (I must have been crazy) but it was the only thing stopping me from getting an education. Never did I think making that decision, would have had as big of an impact on my health and lifestyle as it did…

It was the stress, it was literally taking over, it had a huge impact on me physically, mentally and emotionally. I remember getting up at 6:30 a.m every morning and having to be in school for 8 a.m. The first two days were hard but it was the third day that was worrying. I would get up and start getting ready, then literally look in the mirror and just completely breakdown, I had no control whatsoever! My Mum didn’t know what was going on and most importantly neither did I. I knew myself it was out of character and I wasn’t in the right mindset to be going into school, so my Mum phoned up and explained the situation and all she got was “okay she will have to add another day on to her hours then”. I knew that I had to get the ‘hours’ done with, despite what consequences it was having on my health… so that’s exactly what I did!

I was back in school for one full day before the holidays and let me tell you now that day was anything but normal, as much as I tried to ‘be myself’ deep down I knew I wasn’t! At the start of the holidays, I was avoiding everything I normally enjoyed doing. It even got to the point where I wouldn’t leave my house. I was occasionally having mental breakdowns that even resulted in me smashing my iPad in anger for no apparent reason, I was a mess. It was not only affecting me but also my family. My Mum decided she was going to homeschool me herself and I agreed as it was the only thing left to do, little did I know, it was going to be the best decision we ever made! It was a rocky start but not having that unnecessary amount of stress to deal with, helped me so much.

I was sick of living like I did, I knew I needed to do something about it. After months of researching what was wrong with me, I decided to have a positive outlook on it. I began writing down everything I needed to change in order to feel myself again. My health, diet and mindset were the three things I focussed on, I realised it was something I was deeply passionate for! I’m not saying it was an easy ride because it wasn’t. It was probably the biggest challenge I faced but with determination, a little help from google and my family of course, I was gradually starting to feel my normal healthy self…

Now to this day, from being homeschooled, I’ve learnt so much more than I have ever learnt in any school! While also achieving a diploma in feature writing and managing to maintain a healthy lifestyle, with a positive mindset.

“The comeback is always stronger than the set back”

Malise xx


 

A change for the better!

Hey guys, this is my first content piece (it’s going to be nothing but open and honest…) so what better way to start than with how I changed my health and lifestyle for the better!

In 2015 (back when I was in school) I was under an unnecessary amount of stress, eating a poor diet and doing very minimal exercise, which all lead to me feeling absolutely terrible in myself, especially with all the problems that followed e.g bad complexion, mental breakdowns, low energy, low self-esteem, anxiety and depression. I was basically the worst version of myself. That’s when I knew I had to change something! Google became my best friend at this point, you know those late night searches, self diagnosing until stupid 0’clock… (yep that was pretty much my life then).

That was until I became really interested in health and nutrition, it literally took over a big part of my life (in a positive way) and still does to this day. I focussed on changing my diet, lifestyle and mindset, it was a challenge but one I was willing to try. Changing my diet I personally found relatively easy, it was keeping a positive mindset and having a stress free lifestyle that I found the most challenging. However, having a passion for something really helped me with staying positive (especially when I can be my own worst critic). Being homeschooled pretty much solved the stress problem that and also taking time to unwind and relax now and then. I obviously still have my good and bad days now, but who doesn’t, right?

“Believe you can and you’re half way there”

Malise xx


 

My first blog post…

Hey everyone, this is my first ever post (I’m very new to this as you can probably tell) so here goes… I’m Malise Honey, I’m 17 years old and I live in South Yorkshire. Since being homeschooled from the age of 15, I’ve got a real passion for everything Health and Beauty related.

By achieving a diploma in feature writing, it really gave me the confidence boost and encouragement I needed to finally start my blog. I’m super excited to share everything I’ve learnt with you guys and to hopefully inspire and motivate you all with what I know and love, including my lifestyle, healthy living, my favourite beauty routines and my holy grail products.

Malise xx