So, today my psychiatrist asked me who I am besides Malise who has body dysmorphia and what do I want from life. I couldnāt answer her because quite frankly I donāt really know.
My life has been and is controlled by how I see myself. Like Iāve missed out on so much in life over the last 7 years due to it. Still to this day, Iām constantly avoiding everything that once were things I enjoyed doing, all because of how I look.
For example, in 2015 I stopped going out completely, which meant not seeing family and friends because I felt, and still do feel disgusting and like they shouldnāt have to see the repulsive mess I am. Iāve always felt anxious about anyone I know seeing me because I worry they will see me how I see myself.
Iāve never had a relationship either and the reason Iāve missed out on having any relationships is because of the sheer disgust I feel daily. I also fear that no man will ever be able to love me when I look how I do. Plus, how is anyone meant to love me when I donāt even love myself?
Iāve also missed out on working properly, yes I used to help my Mum at home and I enjoyed every minute of it but, I still wasnāt leaving the house properly so it could never have been a permanent job for me.
Now Iām in hospital and have been since November 2020 and I still feel like my life is pretty pointless. Sometimes I do have visions of what my āidealā life would be like. However, it all seems stupid because as long as I look and feel how I do, none of it will ever happen. I am working on it but, it just seems very unrealistic. Especially when Iāve been struggling for so long.
I do perhaps maybe let my body dysmorphia define me and yes I donāt really know who Iām meant to be besides āMalise who has body dysmorphiaā. I also donāt know what I want from life but, what I do know is that Iāve been through and seen so much since being in hospital and Iāve just taken it all in my stride and I do think itās helped shape me into the person I am today!
Malise xx