Hey everyone…
I know it’s been quite a while since I last posted. But, after giving it much thought and having the support around me, I feel like this is the right time for me to be completely open and honest with myself and others.
From September, after taking an overdose, I had to see the crisis team for a few weeks, up until I had my first CBT session.
Shortly after, my mental health continued to decline. I started excessively self-harming. So, I was assessed and placed on a section 2 and admitted to hospital.
I was then put on an acute ward and diagnosed with Body Dysmorphia, OCD, Anxiety and Depression. Which is where I stayed for around 6 weeks. During my time there, I started medication which initially made me a whole lot worse. So, I ended up getting assessed by many people, who then came to a decision to put me on a section 3.
I then was admitted to general hospital, due to restricting my food and fluids. My ketone balance was majorly affected aswell as my bms. This was a form of self-punishment towards myself as I constantly see myself as being a disgusting, ugly mess and that I need to be punished for it.
I spent three weeks in general hospital over Christmas and the new year. On the second night being there, I was manhandled by the consultant and told I needed an NG tube because I had an āillnessā that could potentially kill me.
An hour or so later, the NG tube was fitted. During my time there I had around 3 of the NG tubes fitted, due to the plasters coming away whilst washing my face.
I then was placed onto 24 hour watch by the nurses in the hospital as they thought I was purposely pulling them out. As well as that, I had a member of staff from the mental health hospital with me 24/7.
Spending christmas and new year in the general hospital was not the most enjoyable experience for me and my family. Especially because I also started having pseudo seizures, which I still have to this day, but not as bad.
My mental health deteriorated pretty bad while being in general hostpital. It got to the point where I pulled my IV and NG tube out so, the next day I returned to the mental health acute ward in January for 3 dayās and was then quickly moved to a PICU unit due to increased risks. It was deemed that I would be kept safe better in a more restricted environment. I was in there for 8/11 days and was then admitted back to the acute ward due to the PICU not seeing any immediate risks during my time there.
After returning to the acute ward I remained there for 6 weeks.However, risks reoccurred and they were unmanageable. Therefore, I returned to the PICU. I spent around another 10 days there but, I got moved to a new acute ward, as the staff didnāt think I belonged on a PICU.
I found being on a new acute ward very unsettling at first as it was a new place with new people. But, I settled in okay I think. Well, with the health cares anyway. I was put on 1 to 1 and shortly after my mental health hit yet again, another low. My self-harm was getting pretty extreme and the hospital couldnāt manage my risks anymore because no matter how much they took away from me, to keep me safe I always found a way to hurt myself and it was just out of control.
So, they literally told me a day before that I had no choice and i was going to a high risk PICU in Darlington. Well, the shock and worry was a massive trigger for me. My self-harm habits got out of control so I ended up on a 2 to 1 that night before I had to go. The next day 3 ex police transport personnels came to get me mid-way drying my hair and in pyjamas.
This was very unsettling for me as I always have to look presentable In order to feel relatively okay about myself but, I wasnāt even allowed to do that. So, I fought against going. Long story short I ended up getting restrained and handcuffed and put into a van. But, shortly after getting in the van I had the staff joking and laughing with me and they were lovely.
Iām still in Darlington on the PICU. It’s been alright over the last 8 weeks, Iām just struggling really bad with not being able to self-harm and not being allowed certain things due to the restrictiveness. I’ve been on observations since the day I came, which I struggled with at first. Especially now I’m on level 4, arms reach 2 to 1. However, the people here genuinely care, and I completely understand that they are just trying to keep me safe by trying their absolute best with me.
The disorder I have is quite rare, and not well known. So, some of the staff don’t really understand it a whole lot but, theyāve gone out their way to do their own research by watching documentaries and taking the time to talk to me about it. Which means a lot to me, as I struggle really bad with explaining how feel to people. I just always say Iām doing āalright’. I donāt know how long Iāll be here for because I’m still deemed as being a high risk to myself. I still really donāt have the will to live at all. My family are all that I live for, and they’re the only thing keeping me going. That and any way I can find to self-harm. (which is pretty much impossible). I do it as a form of self-punishment for looking disgusting and also as a distraction, from thoughts of actually ending my life.
The only good thing really, I guess I can say is that I havenāt cut in 8 weeks, and yes I have been struggling with not doing it, and yes If I have the chance I more than likely will. In all honesty, I have been finding new ways of self-harming by smashing my fist against every wall I come in contact with (that’s what got me put in a level 4, 2 to 1) However, as of now Iām taking each day as it comes and trying my best to reach out and talk to people when I get the urges. I donāt know where my journeys going but, Iām hoping I just might end up at a Body Dysmorphia specialist unit where I can get the proper help I need.
Malise xx
