Defined by BDD?

So, today my psychiatrist asked me who I am besides Malise who has body dysmorphia and what do I want from life. I couldn’t answer her because quite frankly I don’t really know.

My life has been and is controlled by how I see myself. Like I’ve missed out on so much in life over the last 7 years due to it. Still to this day, I’m constantly avoiding everything that once was things I enjoyed doing, all because of how I look.

For example, in 2015 I stopped going out completely, which meant not seeing family and friends because I felt, and still do feel disgusting and like they shouldn’t have to see the repulsive mess I am. I’ve always felt anxious about anyone I know seeing me because I worry they will see me how I see myself.

I’ve never had a relationship either and the reason I’ve missed out on having any relationships is because of the sheer disgust I feel daily. I also fear that no man will ever be able to love me when I look how I do. Plus, how is anyone meant to love me when I don’t even love myself?

I’ve also missed out on working properly, yes I used to help my Mum at home and I enjoyed every minute of it but, I still wasn’t leaving the house properly so it could never have been a permanent job for me.

Now I’m in hospital and have been since November 2020 and I still feel like my life is pretty pointless. Sometimes I do have visions of what my ‘ideal’ life would be like. However, it all seems stupid because as long as I look and feel how I do, none of it will ever happen. I am working on it but, it just seems very unrealistic. Especially when I’ve been struggling for so long.

I do perhaps maybe let my body dysmorphia define me and yes I don’t really know who I’m meant to be besides ‘Malise who has body dysmorphia’. I also don’t know what I want from life but, what I do know is that I’ve been through and seen so much since being in hospital and I’ve just taken it all in my stride and I do think it’s helped shape me into the person I am today!

Malise xx

An update…

So, after only being here (Maidstone) for 2 weeks and being in hospital for nearly a year and a half, I’ve finally got my first ever UNESCORTED overnight leave in a couple of weeks, with my Mum and Dad as I’ve got an appointment. I’m extremely anxious because at my last appointment, before my hospital admission I was very unwell and just awful to my Mum and Dad. However, I’m in a better frame of mind now and I’m genuinely doing a lot better. Getting a taste of what a ‘normal’ life is, is definitely going to be overwhelming but, you know what? I think I’m ready for it!

Malise xx

Body dysmorphia…

I still struggle daily to get people to understand my body dysmorphia and there’s a constant battle to get me the right treatment at the minute. With some Professionals trying to push my body dysmorphia aside and diagnose me with something they’re used to dealing with. I do appreciate the professional opinions and I’m not disregarding them in any way however, I feel I need to get this out there once more.

I was diagnosed with body dysmorphia over a year ago. For as long as I remember I’ve always hated something about myself, but I always thought every girl felt the same until it became worryingly obsessive to the point it kept me socially isolated for 5 years.

Body dysmorphia for me means feeling low about myself. Constantly looking in the mirror and crying at the disgusting ugly mess I see staring back at me. I hate everything about my face, I constantly feel like I have to punish myself for looking how I do, self-harming and hurting myself in any and every way possible. Which is why I was sectioned in the first place. I’ve been in hospital since November 3rd 2020, spending 3 weeks in general hospital over Christmas 2020 but, for the last 10 months, I’ve been in a psychiatric intensive care unit away from home, in Darlington.

I’m in the process of getting to where I need to be, I’ve had so many assessments for new hospitals but unfortunately, a lot of them don’t offer the right treatment for my diagnosis. I feel like I’m ready to get the help I need and I’m ready to move on now, for the better.

Malise xx

What now…

Hi everyone,

I know I haven’t posted for a while, I’ve been pretty busy having assessments for moving on from Chester ward. It’s been very stressful and I still don’t know when or where I’ll be going from here… That makes things 10x worst for me!

I appreciate the professional opinions and I’m not in any way disregarding them. However, I feel I need to say how I feel.

So, I’ve been diagnosed with body dysmorphia and I feel like I need CBT therapy to help me with my thoughts about myself. But, then I’m being told it’s eupd I have as well and that I need DBT treatment before any BDD places will accept me.

I never know what to believe and I’m feeling quite hopeless really, I’m just so unhappy in myself, especially with how my face/skin looks and things don’t seem to be getting any better.

In fact, my body dysmorphia is getting worse. Constantly reassurance-seeking multiple times a day then there’s the looking through every reflective surface there are like mirrors, through windows, through cars and even through cutlery and it’s just getting out of hand. If I look through all the reflective surfaces and see how many things are wrong with my face then I instantly feel low and like I have to punish myself for looking disgusting. So, that’s when the self-harming comes into place.

I’m still currently on the PICU and have been for nearly 10 months now. I’m hoping I know more soon because this not knowing malarkey is making my mental health worse…

Malise xx

Relapse…

Hiya everyone, unfortunately the last two weeks I’ve kind of relapsed…

I went nearly two months without having any incidents. But, that all changed when I woke up and looked through the mirror and I could see I had spots. Instantly my heart sank. I felt I had to punish myself for the horrible, disgusting mess that I am! This is going to sound like nothing major to everyone else but to me, it’s my life. I have to live with the continuous thoughts racing through my head that ‘im a disgusting ugly mess, ‘I deserve to be punished’ ‘im vile’ and no one should have to see me like it. It’s honestly so exhausting.

I feel pretty low at the minute and basically couldn’t care less what happens to me. I don’t want to be here anymore. I just want to die and put an end to it all. The only reason I’m still here is purely because of my family and the restrictive environment I’m currently in and have been for just over 9 months.

I think the main reason for feeling like I do now is because I have been extremely stressed over last few weeks. I’ve been having loads of assessments for rehab wards and then I’ve got an upcoming tribunal as well. Which my Mum and Dad put in for. I’m scared of what’s going to happen and where I’m eventually going to be moving but there’s not much I can do about it than be honest.

Malise xx

What now?

*Potential trigger warning

What now? Well, that is a question on everyone’s mind, let alone just mine.

I’ve been incident-free for almost 2 months now. I’ve been fully off my observations for about a month. I know everyone thinks I’m doing well and I am but, this doesn’t mean I’m not struggling or wanting to hurt myself because I am, every single day. It’s just not resulting in the same self-harming behaviours as before.

I feel like hurting/punishing myself every day because of how I see myself. I am missing the release and damage I got from cutting and I haven’t done it in 8 months… It’s only because I’ve not had access to the items I could use. Yes, I have used other ways to hurt myself over the last 8 months but, none of them have even come remotely close to having the same effect as what cutting did.

I’ve not been self-harming in any way over the last month or 2. During that time the thoughts I’ve been having are not just to hurt myself, it’s now thoughts of ending my life because I feel like that’s what I deserve, for how repulsive and disgusting I am. I constantly can’t get to sleep at night because of the racing thoughts to hurt myself and end my life.

I know this is why I’m in hospital but, I don’t seem to be getting anywhere. I’m not a PICU patient anymore but, if I was to get access to certain items I would use them. So, being on this PICU is just really keeping me safe. I’m still not receiving any therapy yet so, my main diagnosis of body dysmorphia is pretty much the same and at the minute, I don’t feel like this will ever change!

So, that brings me back to the question, what now?

The answer is, I don’t know nor does anyone else… The not knowing is making me even more anxious but, there’s nothing more I can do!

Malise xx

I don’t know what to do…

Just when I thought things were looking up, body dysmorphia decides to kick me in teeth and literally destroy every tiny bit of positivity I had left.

Today I’m struggling, I woke up this morning looked in mirror and hated what I saw staring back at me. To me, my skins bad… normally when this happens I feel the need to punish myself. So, I always hurt myself in any way I can because I deserve it for looking a disgusting ugly mess.

I’m trying so hard to not slip into the self harming but, when I’m feeling like this it’s the only thing I can think of.

I’ve tried masking how I feel, just getting by each day as it comes. However, it’s mentally and physically draining and I’m worried that I won’t be able to cope with it much longer!

Malise xx

Onwards and upwards?

Hey everyone!

So, i’m back with a more positive post…

Since April, i’ve always been pretty much on observations. Which meant having someone with me at all times, literally 24/7. However, as of yesterday i’m fully off them and 4 checks In all areas. It’s taken me 7 months to get this point and I’m very nervous i’ll end up messing it up but, i’m trying so hard. It’s going to be tough and not having someone there to notice when i’m not doing great is going to be strange and difficult, even more so is the fact I’ve got to talk on my own accord when I feel bad or get urges. I’m not going to lie I think I may struggle but, I’ll get there!

Also, I just want to say the amount of support from my family, my friends and the staff here is never-ending. When I wanted to give up you all fought for me until I was strong enough to fight for myself and I can’t thank you all enough!

Malise xx

A step forward…

So, after getting upset about the whole last post situation, I’ve now got my phone back!

So, here’s 2 pictures of me, when I was really ill. No makeup and not a single edit on them. Just harsh artificial lighting. This is my biggest fear when it comes to putting pictures on… but, scrolling through my pictures I came across them.
But, of course, good old body dysmorphia decided to show its face. Then, I looked closely at the pictures and said, “err what a disgusting ugly mess, “my skin is terrible”, “my teeth are awful “I can’t post them”. “I’m a catfish” and “no one deserves to have to see my mess of a face on their newsfeed”.

However, the last couple of weeks I’ve been doing pretty well so I decided to post this because it is a BIG thing for me to do. Yes, it brings me to tears looking at the rank, awful pictures but, if it’s the right step to help my recovery, I guess I’ll try everything!

Malise xx

Tough times ahead!

So, the last few weeks have been challenging and probably my biggest test yet!

My skin has started to play up… I literally look through the mirror in a morning and have to hold the tears back. That’s as I constantly tell myself I’m a disgusting ugly mess.

When I feel like that, I just want to isolate myself from others, not talk or see anyone, and basically hide myself away because no one deserves to see my ugly, disgusting, mess of a face.

It’s also so hard for me to get people to understand, even my psychiatrist doesn’t really understand fully. But, I’ll never knock him because he’s trying his best with me.

Today has been the worst day for me mentally and emotionally. My skin has made me feel absolutely crap. I’ve had so many strong urges today because I’ve felt like I have to punish myself for how disgusting my face is.

But… this morning although I felt how I did, I still managed to get up, wash my face, brush my teeth, get dressed and do my hair. Then I actually left my room, last month none of that would’ve happened.

Malise xx