I wake up in a not so comfy bed to two members of staff sat either side of me. I then prioritise doing my skincare routine and brushing my teeth, before anything! But, as soon as I look in the mirror, I despise everything I see looking back at me. It then sets me off for the day. I instantly feel low, I feel anxious, I feel disgusting and I feel the need to punish myself. I feel that the people around me and those who care about me shouldn’t have to see my disgusting ugly mess of a face.
I constantly see graphic images in my head of ways to hurt myself, and I’m really struggling to fight against the negative thoughts I have on a daily basis. “No one should have to see the state of me”, “I don’t deserve to be alive”, “no one will ever want me”, “how is anyone meant to love me if I don’t love myself”, “I need to carve the word disgusting into my body”.
I literally go to sleep wishing I wouldn’t wake up the next day, and the bad thing about it is, I feel guilty for thinking that because there’s people who care about me, and the thought of not having me in their lives would destroy them. There’s also so many people in the world who don’t have the choice of living and I would most definitely swap places with them If I could!
I never know what to say when people ask how I feel because I think my problems are stupid, and I feel people don’t always understand. I fear that everyone will see me as being vain and attention seeking. So, i just keep everything bottled up until I can’t deal with it anymore and it gets too much.
How am I meant to see any future when I feel the way I do EVERY DAY…