*Possible trigger warning.
Hi everyone, I’m about to be 100% honest with you all. So, here goes…
My names Malise and I’m a severe self-harmer. I suffer from Body dysmorphia, ocd, anxiety, depression and recently eupd.
From October, I started cutting myself to a point where I was covered neck down to my ankles, front and back. It was and still is, a form of self-punishment for looking disgusting. It’s also a distraction from the thoughts of actually ending my life.
I can’t describe how I feel about it because I don’t think people fully understand my body dysmorphia.
For those who don’t know, Body dysmorphia is where you have a strong belief that you have a defect in your appearance that makes you ugly and you spend a lot of time worrying about ‘flaws’ in your appearance, which others don’t see.
I get asked frequently when people see my scars ”if you’re bothered about your face and how you look, why are you cutting the skin on your body” I always never know what to say, do I cry? Do I try and explain myself? Or do I stay quiet?
It’s horrible because in my head all I see is my face being a horrible, disgusting, ugly mess. So, then I punish my body for how I see and believe my face looks, even when others say they don’t see anything wrong with it.
yes, I’m covered in scars and yes I think if I was to have access to something that could cause a great deal of harm to me I would use it, there’s no doubt about it. But, I haven’t so unfortunately I can’t.
I mean, I’m not saying I haven’t tried other ways to harm myself because I most definitely have. But, regarding the cutting, I haven’t done it for nearly 11 weeks. I’m not going to lie it’s been the hardest thing not being able to do the damage I want to do to myself. As I’m still really struggling with the intense urges and graphic images in my head of how I want to hurt myself 24/7.
I don’t know if they’ll ever go and I don’t know if I’ll ever get better…