Nothing but the truth!

Hi everyone, after posting my last post, I felt like I missed a few details out about how i’m actually feeling.

So, I’m struggling every single day. I wake up, look in the mirror and see a disgusting ugly mess staring back at me.

I’m constantly trying to find ways to punish myself for it. Being in a high restrictive Psychiatric Intensive Care Unit means it’s more difficult. But, I get so frustrated with feeling the same way about myself all the time, I’m literally stuck in a self-destructive mode.

It’s emotionally draining, I’m tired, and I’m constantly trying to harm myself. Repeatedly hitting any wall in sight as that seems to be one of the only ways I can cause damage to myself while being here. But, the staff are having to intervene by restraining me as they have a duty of care to keep me safe. My natural reaction is to get out of the holds so, I wriggle and make things hard for myself and the staff but, I never intentionally try to hurt anyone. Only myself! If staff do get hurt, I feel so guilty and feel like I need to be punished.

My appearance is the biggest trigger for me. I feel worthless, depressed and suicidal because of how I look and feel about myself. If anyone was to make even a harmless comment regarding my image I wouldn’t be able to deal with it. I always fall straight back into the impulsive and self-destructive behaviours. It’s the same with feeling guilty as that’s another big trigger also.

When people give me reassurance and compliments, I never believe them. I never know what to say because I feel like i’m not being genuine if I say thank you when I don’t see it myself. But, what else am I meant to say?

I’m fed up, and I just don’t care what happens to me anymore. I’d like to say the only thing keeping me alive is my family but, I’m ashamed to say that in reality it’s the staff in Darlington on the PICU that are…

I’m not living, I’m just surviving! I don’t know if things are going to get any better, and I don’t know if anyone will be able to change the way I see myself or if I’ll even be able to see myself differently. However, as long as i’m in hostpital I’ve got to keep going and, it’s so bloody hard and I’m really really struggling but, unfortunately I haven’t got a choice.

Malise xx

One thought on “Nothing but the truth!

  1. Hey you. I know it’s been a long time we have spoken or seen each other but I see your mum on the school runs. I’m not going to say I’m sorry for what I have read as I am sure you feel that it would sound pitiful but I am amazed how honest you have been with everyone and everything you have said. This is your journey and one thing for sure is you are strong like your mum and just taking things a day at a time is the right direction. Carry on writing your truth as this may be your own type of therapy. I’ve wanted to comment on your posts before but I’m just a old stranger to you now. Anyways be kind to yourself and in time whenever that will be you will see the nicest young lady smiling back at you xxxx

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