The whole truth!

Hey everyone…

I know it’s been quite a while since I last posted. But, after giving it much thought and having the support around me, I feel like this is the right time for me to be completely open and honest with myself and others.

From September, after taking an overdose, I had to see the crisis team for a few weeks, up until I had my first CBT session.

Shortly after, my mental health continued to decline. I started excessively self-harming. So, I was assessed and placed on a section 2 and admitted to hospital.

I was then put on an acute ward and diagnosed with Body Dysmorphia, OCD, Anxiety and Depression. Which is where I stayed for around 6 weeks. During my time there, I started medication which initially made me a whole lot worse. So, I ended up getting assessed by many people, who then came to a decision to put me on a section 3.

I then was admitted to general hospital, due to restricting my food and fluids. My ketone balance was majorly affected aswell as my bms. This was a form of self-punishment towards myself as I constantly see myself as being a disgusting, ugly mess and that I need to be punished for it.

I spent three weeks in general hospital over Christmas and the new year. On the second night being there, I was manhandled by the consultant and told I needed an NG tube because I had an ‘illness’ that could potentially kill me.

An hour or so later, the NG tube was fitted. During my time there I had around 3 of the NG tubes fitted, due to the plasters coming away whilst washing my face.

I then was placed onto 24 hour watch by the nurses in the hospital as they thought I was purposely pulling them out. As well as that, I had a member of staff from the mental health hospital with me 24/7.

Spending christmas and new year in the general hospital was not the most enjoyable experience for me and my family. Especially because I also started having pseudo seizures, which I still have to this day, but not as bad.

My mental health deteriorated pretty bad while being in general hostpital. It got to the point where I pulled my IV and NG tube out so, the next day I returned to the mental health acute ward in January for 3 day’s and was then quickly moved to a PICU unit due to increased risks. It was deemed that I would be kept safe better in a more restricted environment. I was in there for 8/11 days and was then admitted back to the acute ward due to the PICU not seeing any immediate risks during my time there.

After returning to the acute ward I remained there for 6 weeks.However, risks reoccurred and they were unmanageable. Therefore, I returned to the PICU. I spent around another 10 days there but, I got moved to a new acute ward, as the staff didn’t think I belonged on a PICU.

I found being on a new acute ward very unsettling at first as it was a new place with new people. But, I settled in okay I think. Well, with the health cares anyway. I was put on 1 to 1 and shortly after my mental health hit yet again, another low. My self-harm was getting pretty extreme and the hospital couldn’t manage my risks anymore because no matter how much they took away from me, to keep me safe I always found a way to hurt myself and it was just out of control.

So, they literally told me a day before that I had no choice and i was going to a high risk PICU in Darlington. Well, the shock and worry was a massive trigger for me. My self-harm habits got out of control so I ended up on a 2 to 1 that night before I had to go. The next day 3 ex police transport personnels came to get me mid-way drying my hair and in pyjamas.

This was very unsettling for me as I always have to look presentable In order to feel relatively okay about myself but, I wasn’t even allowed to do that. So, I fought against going. Long story short I ended up getting restrained and handcuffed and put into a van. But, shortly after getting in the van I had the staff joking and laughing with me and they were lovely.

I’m still in Darlington on the PICU. It’s been alright over the last 8 weeks, I’m just struggling really bad with not being able to self-harm and not being allowed certain things due to the restrictiveness. I’ve been on observations since the day I came, which I struggled with at first. Especially now I’m on level 4, arms reach 2 to 1. However, the people here genuinely care, and I completely understand that they are just trying to keep me safe by trying their absolute best with me.

The disorder I have is quite rare, and not well known. So, some of the staff don’t really understand it a whole lot but, they’ve gone out their way to do their own research by watching documentaries and taking the time to talk to me about it. Which means a lot to me, as I struggle really bad with explaining how feel to people. I just always say I’m doing ‘alright’. I don’t know how long I’ll be here for because I’m still deemed as being a high risk to myself. I still really don’t have the will to live at all. My family are all that I live for, and they’re the only thing keeping me going. That and any way I can find to self-harm. (which is pretty much impossible). I do it as a form of self-punishment for looking disgusting and also as a distraction, from thoughts of actually ending my life.

The only good thing really, I guess I can say is that I haven’t cut in 8 weeks, and yes I have been struggling with not doing it, and yes If I have the chance I more than likely will. In all honesty, I have been finding new ways of self-harming by smashing my fist against every wall I come in contact with (that’s what got me put in a level 4, 2 to 1) However, as of now I’m taking each day as it comes and trying my best to reach out and talk to people when I get the urges. I don’t know where my journeys going but, I’m hoping I just might end up at a Body Dysmorphia specialist unit where I can get the proper help I need.

Malise xx

One thought on “The whole truth!

  1. So so proud of you Malise. We will always be by your side and will continue to fight to get you where you need to be love you, Mum, Dad and Mace are ❤😘 🌎 xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

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