The truth…

Hey everyone, I am back and truth be told I have been dreading publishing this post for the whole world to see as it’s such a sensitive topic for me to write about. The thought of opening up and intentionally subjecting myself to vulnerability really does scare the living daylights out of me, but it’s something I need to do, both for myself and everyone who cares about me.

So, the truth is, although it’s very hard to admit, I have been struggling…

When I started my blog and wrote my first pieces ‘A change for the better’ and ‘Look at me now’ I felt like I was doing okay and I actually thought for a second that my life was finally looking up, which is why I decided to focus on what I thought was a positive outcome of a horrible situation. Who was I kidding, I was clearly in denial because the negative problems I was facing were so much worse than I made out, and they were in fact getting in the way of my day to day life, but I was finding it very hard to admit.

I have been fighting with what seems to be a losing battle when it comes to my low self-esteem, it started when I was under an extreme amount of stress but hit an all time low not long after when the stress decided to take it out on my skin and ‘ruin’ my complexion, instantly feeling like every little bit of confidence I ever had, had been shattered into a million pieces… leaving me feeling terribly insecure. I developed a very negative self-image that quickly lead me to sink into a deep depression. I started isolating myself from everything and everyone, I stopped taking care of myself, I avoided any form of social interaction, most days I wouldn’t even leave my room, and I would frequently breakdown and refuse to leave the house.

In the beginning, when it all started, I actually remember thinking that once I removed myself from the stressful situation and sorted my skin out, I would be well on my way to feeling better about myself. If I’m being 100% honest with you all, it hasn’t really mattered how stress free my life is or how much clearer my skin is because I still don’t feel any better. I think seeing myself in a negative light for such a long period of time has now really distorted my self-image as I am at a point where I have become extremely self-critical. I find myself constantly worrying about ‘flaws’ in my appearance, which apparently to others are so minor or none existent, and it’s causing me so much emotional distress, but I just can’t seem to break out of the vicious cycle.

Not feeling good enough mentally, physically and emotionally really has negatively affected all aspects of my life. I mean, I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin on a daily basis that I barely leave the house. I have isolated myself to the point of my Mum, Dad and Brother being the only people I really see, as they’re the only people I actually feel comfortable around. I don’t know exactly what it is, but I just feel so anxious at the thought of anyone who knew me before all this seeing me now. I don’t know if it’s because I’m afraid they will all end up seeing me how I see myself or if it’s because I’m ashamed.

I have never really had any ‘official’ diagnosis because I find it so difficult to physically talk about how I am feeling and also because I have had trouble admitting to myself that I’m struggling, never mind anyone else. However, when I did go to the Doctors in 2015 (when it all first started), my Mum had to literally explain everything that was going on with me because I would sit there barely saying two words, acting like I was ‘totally fine’. Safe to say the Doctor saw right through me and referred me to CAMHS (Child Adolescent Mental Health Services). The lady who I saw was lovely, but sadly it didn’t really help at all because I just wouldn’t allow myself to open up. Then, a year passed, and I was still feeling exactly the same if not worse, so my Mum took me back to the Doctors, and they suggested that I have CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) to try to change the negative thoughts I was feeling towards myself. I assumed that it was just another talking therapy and after my previous experience with CAMHS, it didn’t leave me with much hope, I just thought that it wouldn’t help and that I would only be wasting everyone’s time, so I never went ahead with it.

I do think that maybe if I accepted the CBT as suggested, I might not have been in the situation I’m in now…

Thank god I have got the three most supportive people in my life, my Mum, Dad and Brother. They really have seen the good, the bad and the ugly and still continue to stand by me every single step of way!

Malise xx

22 thoughts on “The truth…

  1. A brave post Malise. Such an honest raw read. I wish you all the very best chick and hope you see light at the end of the tunnel soon. Much love to you and the family xxx

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  2. Malise, it breaks my heart to read this post, you are such a beautiful looking young lady with a wonderful heart. You write tremendously, so why not try writing how you feel in a journal or diary then taking that to the drs and ask for him to refer you to someone that can help you with your feelings. If you can’t get out the words you need at the time, give them your journal to read your thoughts, so then they understand how you are feeling and then you can move on from there luv . My strength an thoughts are with you, and I’m always her3 for you . Love you xxx

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    1. Thank you so much Chris, it honestly really does mean so much to hear you say this! I do struggle to open up, so writing about how I’m feeling is definitely something to consider. Love you too xxx

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  3. I can see that you are surrounded by family in an environment free of judgment and criticism; simply by reading the comments. if there is no active judgement, there is no reason to be afraid. You may find that you no longer have to hide from what is going on within you. You are safe to evolve. May you actively extend acceptance and compassion towards self and see who you really are.- A beautiful, loving and perfect soul. Smile often and be in gratitude…its contagious.

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  4. Really proud of you for accepting support from others I can relate to what you’ve been through. You’re going to be blessed exponentially for being so open about your struggles- it makes people feel like they’re not alone 💜

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  5. Malise, I can imagine how difficult that was for you to open up and put your heart on your sleeve. I know you feel ashamed, but don’t ever feel guilty for how you are feeling. You’re a beautiful person with aa kind heart. Its heartwarming to know you have a supportive family, if it’s just them you feel comfortable with then that’s OK. If you ever need someone to talk to, please reach out. Always here 💚

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  6. Malise, this was a very powerful and heartbreaking post, but I do understand more than I want to admit. We go through terrible situations in life that try so hard to break us, but somehow we are still standing.I would say between us I had a terrible childhood that left me broken, but I know more people will see this. I understand dealing with self-esteem issues and really hate you are dealing with any hardships. It isn’t easy to see the good things, but you obviously have great family support that want to help. I know life is hard, but there are great things in life as well, even if they are hard to see. You are doing what is best for you and that is step 1. I want you to know that even though we do not really know each other, i am here for you. I have found sometimes communicating with someone on the outside can be extremely helpful! You can send me an email directly anytime you want and I will respond as quickly as I can! Lots of love to you Malise! Oh my email address is alyssabowman81@gmail.com

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    1. I’m so sorry to hear that you had a terrible childhood, I can’t even begin to understand what that must have been like for you.
      Thank you so much! I know I keep saying it but it honestly does mean a lot to hear this and I will definitely keep this in mind.💚

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      1. My horrible childhood turned me into a stronger woman. Things from the past are not worth dwelling on or even giving them a second thought.
        You are more than welcome! I do want you to know that I am always here for you!

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