‘Look at me now’

Hey! I’ve got a fair few of you wondering, from my first piece, exactly what, why and how, made me want to ‘change for the better’ so that’s exactly what I’m going to openly and honestly share with you all!

I’m going to start with where it all spiralled from, so imagine being targeted… by your ‘teachers’ (I know shocker right?) but it’s the truth! Everything they did wrong got turned on to me and because I said what I thought about the situation, they came down on me like a ton of bricks. It wasn’t every teacher because there were the odd few that I could actually trust. I’m not saying I didn’t make any mistakes because I did, but I took full responsibility for them! No matter how much my Mum and Dad went into school, nothing ever changed…

Well, actually it did for the worst! Right from getting put into isolation for being wrongly accused to also having to have my bag checked because a so called teacher ‘misinterpreted’ something I said. On top of that I found out that pupils had been looking at my personal school file while being under a teacher’s supervision! (Who is now funnily enough the head of safeguarding!). I remember some of my friends saying to me “you little sh*t” after seeing me with the headteacher. I would always let them assume because it was so much easier than having to explain and risk getting punished for making the school ‘look bad’. No one knew the half of it!

The final straw was basically getting put on ‘twilight hours’, there was no actual explanation why, apart from ‘everything you have done in the past’. I’ve personally always seen it as once you’ve taken full responsibility and accepted the punishment for your actions that’s the end of it and it’s done with! However, they were pretty convinced that I was not allowed back into full time education until I completed the hours. After a week of phone calls and requesting meetings but still getting nowhere, I decided, right I will give these hours a go (I must have been crazy) but it was the only thing stopping me from getting an education. Never did I think making that decision, would have had as big of an impact on my health and lifestyle as it did…

It was the stress, it was literally taking over, it had a huge impact on me physically, mentally and emotionally. I remember getting up at 6:30 a.m every morning and having to be in school for 8 a.m. The first two days were hard but it was the third day that was worrying. I would get up and start getting ready, then literally look in the mirror and just completely breakdown, I had no control whatsoever! My Mum didn’t know what was going on and most importantly neither did I. I knew myself it was out of character and I wasn’t in the right mindset to be going into school, so my Mum phoned up and explained the situation and all she got was “okay she will have to add another day on to her hours then”. I knew that I had to get the ‘hours’ done with, despite what consequences it was having on my health… so that’s exactly what I did!

I was back in school for one full day before the holidays and let me tell you now that day was anything but normal, as much as I tried to ‘be myself’ deep down I knew I wasn’t! At the start of the holidays, I was avoiding everything I normally enjoyed doing. It even got to the point where I wouldn’t leave my house. I was occasionally having mental breakdowns that even resulted in me smashing my iPad in anger for no apparent reason, I was a mess. It was not only affecting me but also my family. My Mum decided she was going to homeschool me herself and I agreed as it was the only thing left to do, little did I know, it was going to be the best decision we ever made! It was a rocky start but not having that unnecessary amount of stress to deal with, helped me so much.

I was sick of living like I did, I knew I needed to do something about it. After months of researching what was wrong with me, I decided to have a positive outlook on it. I began writing down everything I needed to change in order to feel myself again. My health, diet and mindset were the three things I focussed on, I realised it was something I was deeply passionate for! I’m not saying it was an easy ride because it wasn’t. It was probably the biggest challenge I faced but with determination, a little help from google and my family of course, I was gradually starting to feel my normal healthy self…

Now to this day, from being homeschooled, I’ve learnt so much more than I have ever learnt in any school! While also achieving a diploma in feature writing and managing to maintain a healthy lifestyle, with a positive mindset.

“The comeback is always stronger than the set back”

Malise xx